the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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