Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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