i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
