i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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