remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
