i just wanna soil my oats bro
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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