i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize