Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
