Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize