just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
