I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
