i think i have two assholes
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
