I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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