those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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