I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
