If i could tip my vagina, i would.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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