Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
