So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
