just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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