i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think your dad took our porno
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
