it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I need moral support for this bender
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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