I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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