Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
