I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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