Moan for me like Helen Keller
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
