saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
