my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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