Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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