True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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