the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
