My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
