a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
