Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
