i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
