I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
