my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
