last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
