fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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