Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
