All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
