I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
