omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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