if i can run in heels then i can drive
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
