Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
