Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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