last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
