Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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