its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
