So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
