u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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