hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
