I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
