I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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