clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
