do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
