the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
