Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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