I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
