I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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