She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
