Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
