I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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