Your mouth is God's brothel.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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