I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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