I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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